Poor Kate’s Royal Vagina

Kate's Ladybits

I’m certain this is the first and last time I’ll ever utter these words:  Poor Kate.

I know, I know.  Maybe you’re finding it hard to summon any sympathy for her.  After all, she’s thin, beautiful, stylish, rich beyond measure (by marriage…although I think she was quite wealthy even beforehand) and married to the future King of England.  (I imagine she’ll be Queen when he ascends the throne, although you never know with those royals and their titular trickery.  I thought she’d be a Princess when she married Will and they pulled a fast one that time.)  Regardless, her life looks pretty damn peachy.

Sorry...can't resist.  Peachy Kate.

Sorry…can’t resist. Peachy Kate.

But if I may, I’d like to provide a brief argument in favour of extending some sympathy her way, just this once.  Consider this:  millions around the globe are currently fixated on her vagina.  Seriously.  How would you feel?  Unless you’re a porn star, I’m guessing the answer is ‘not great’.  Personally, I’d like to think the number of people thinking about my vagina at any given time maxes out at two.

I hesitate to admit it, but I’ve read countless articles about the upcoming royal birth.  I’ve tracked Kate’s maternity fashions with rapt interest and read extensively about her supposed nursery décor and prenatal care which leads me to the reasonable assumption that today and in the weeks to come we’ll be seeing scads of stories about the birth itself.  I’m guessing everything from how long Kate laboured, what drugs, if any she used, the breathing techniques she employed and whether any sweat dotted her brow or noises escaped her lips to the designer label in the nightie she was wearing, the colour of polish adorning her toenails in those gilded stirrups, and the thread-count of the Egyptian cotton sheets on her hospital bed will no doubt be scrutinized.  Much of it will be suppositions or outright falsehoods, but we’ll gobble it up nonetheless.

Shit, it was international news last year when she got bangs.  The woman can’t change her pantyhose without it hitting the front page.  (Ok, I also feel a bit sorry for her about the pantyhose.  Apparently once you’re royal you can’t go barelegged anymore and to me, donning pantyhose daily is kind of on-par with having regular root canals.  Those royal privates haven’t been able to breathe properly in several years.  Perhaps the variety of pantyhose she spends all her time in are exceptionally comfortable and breathable, but I kind of doubt it.  I’m convinced a man invented pantyhose and no one has put much time or effort into improving them in the last half century.)

Anyway…Kate must know this (not just about the pantyhose; but about the international obsession with her current predicament.)  Although I haven’t had any babies of my own, I’m inclined to think that most first-time mothers have enough on their minds during labour that they don’t need the added stress of knowing the world is waiting to hear every detail of the less-than-glamorous situation south of their belly buttons.  Any of the Moms I know would readily tell you that your dignity goes out the window during childbirth.  Your body and mind are likely to betray you and any semblance of pride you previously possessed gets trampled by the hordes of medical professionals who come to have a glance at your hooha.

So just this once, I think we should extend Kate a little sympathy.  Not because she’s doing something women around the world do every day (most in considerably less posh surroundings) but because she has to do it knowing that her ladyparts are the subject of international buzz.

Soon enough the media will turn their attention (and ours) to Kate’s post-pregnancy fashions and weight loss, her breastfeeding choices and parenting decisions, not to mention the future monarch’s every move.  I would think this might be a welcome shift after the global obsession with her reproductive organs over the past nine months.

Just remember, a few years from now we’ll be doing this again, albeit with somewhat less vehement fervour.  After all, Kate’s not finished yet: she owes them an heir and a spare.

Heir & Spare