So a dear friend of mine is hosting a get-together next weekend and declared the theme of the evening to be ‘Retro Foods’. I thought this was just the cleverest thing – what a fun idea! We scour the internet or our Moms’ cookbooks for party-favorites of a bygone era, attempt to prepare them, and bring them to share with everyone at an evening that is certain to be a rollicking good time, as always. Being the slight (throat clearing…) procrastinator that I am, I hadn’t yet settled on my offering, but I decided to do a bit of ‘research’ on the internet today and what I found has frightened me to my core. I Googled ‘retro appetizer’ and as I scrolled down the images I became more and more certain that the parties of the 50s and 60s were genuine gastronomical horror shows.
I also noticed a bit of a trend towards the following, now near-extinct phenomena:
- Canned ‘ham’ – or other tinned, gelatinous solids posing as meats
- Along similar lines, faux cheese products such as Velveeta
- Pickles – usually sweet
- Coloured bread – green bread is wrong. If it’s green, you should chuck it or make penicillin.
- Jello moulds containing obscene suspended ingredients
- Balls or ‘loaves’ of ingredients that don’t belong in the same sentence, never mind the same mouthful
- Whipped fish – need I say more?
Of course I couldn’t resist compiling a small gallery of some of the most terrifying examples I encountered. Bon appetit!
Almonds in a haystack:
Cauliflower with breaded dildos: (ok, ok, I made that name up)
And continuing the phallic theme: Ham-wrapped baked banana with mustard sauce (say what, now?)
Whatever this godforsaken brick is:
Creepy smiling salmon mousse:
Jello with olives. Ya…
As the Jello Ad says: Don’t let a week go by without serving one of these magnificent treats.